not the greatest

sorry for those who actually opened this; i just need to vent, so just skip this entry.

things ARE good for me; i'm not stressed about school, the first thing people would think would bother me. in fact, right now, it feels like the only thing going my way.

i feel underappreciated. you heard me; i feel like everyone could care less about how i feel about everything. kylie leaves our room in disarray the very day we spend picking it up; i hate her clothes, all of them! even now, her church clothes lie at the foot of her closet and i just want to take a lighter to her closet. she doesn't even wear 1/2 the stuff in there! i feel guilty when i snap at her, but c'mon; how fast can you create chaos? she is also lousy at keeping promises ("i'll pick up my clothes this afternoon after classes, okay?") yeah, right.

if no one likes my opinion--why ask for it? i wonder. i mean, ali decided to take a bath tonight and sat in our living room in a towel and pondered, "if dakota (kylie's fiancee) were to walk in, who would be in the wrong; me or him?" and everyone agreed that it would be his fault, since he was coming in our apartment--but everyone had a problem w/ the fact that i felt that BOTH would be in the wrong, or at least ali. first of all, it's not like he would know before coming in, and she's friggin soaking up the couch w/ her wet hair! get some clothes, jeez! we all signed the honor code, saying that we would keep our standards everywhere we go; that includes our house, for corn sake. i don't walk around in spaghetti straps inviting trouble, do i?

back to feeling unappreciated. EVERYONE QUIT BORROWING MY FOOD! i refuse to allow anyone use any of my food anymore; i can't take it anymore! every time i turn around, someone needs cooking oil, cooking spray, milk, eggs, and no one pays me back or repays me in any way. i constantly do stuff for everyone, like buying valentine's day candy for each of them on valentine's day and i get S-Q-U-A-T. i get nothing in return except for a "awww, that nice." which means, "i hope a thank you will suffice."

and it's sad that i feel this way, because in a few months i won't see any of them because i'll be going home for the summer. i feel torn, because i don't want to go home and be socially extinct and not do anything fun (i know no one my age in kansas) but i can't stand living here. college is fun, but everyone is sending me over the edge! kylie is too nice and too messy, mary and kortney are all play and no helping keep our apartment clean (think dirty dishes) and ali is MOPING like she'll never be normal again.

AAAAHHHH! GET OVER CHAD WHY DON'T YOU! i keep thinking that she's over chad and then she brings up the whole break up story again and again AND AGAIN! if she only knew how lame she sounds all the time. she keeps telling everyone the whole story. is it for attention? pity? eveyrone will thing of her as the depressed girl w/ that sort of introduction. "hi my name is alexandra humble and i can't get over a breakup." YES. i know it's difficult and i'd never want to go through w/ it, but C'MON! talking about this millions of times will not solve your desert of a social life! put some clothes on and get a life! ugh!

today at church i wore a dress i don't normally wear, and a flower in my hair. so many girls noticed and complimented me, almost like throwing up flattery. i felt so...weird. i truly miss people noticing me and my feelings. well, i take that back. if i so much as frown, kylie badgers me w/ "whitney what's wrong?? wanna talk about it?? should dakota give you a blessing???" GET AWAY WILL YA?! when i'm upset i don't need her annoying me any further. well, now you can call me a hypocrite, but she repeats her advice or opinions endlessly so i've heard the suggestions and sympathy ten times already, so she doesn't count.

is it possible that they're stressing me out? i'd like to think it's just me, but this feelings have gone on for too long. i just want to hang out w/ my old circl of friends, the people that actually made me feel cherished and loved. i feel like a used welcome mat--just borrow my stuff and leave thankless, i won't mind! no worries! not a problem! >:(

i feel the most comfortable in my danish class. i recieve daily laughs and compliments from them because we're all trying to learn and my danish teacher and our class are all so close. we get along so well, we even have nicknames for each other (i'm wibeke [vee-bi-kuh]) we have all these inside jokes and i truly feel like i'm a part of a family, almost.

i feel like doing nothing for no one, like i deserve to kick everyone to the curb. i have no secret place to cry. no hiding place to hide my face. no one could give a rat's tail about my feelings.

and it's been months since travis has sent me a letter. what's wrong w/ me? why can't i just get over this? why do i have to be so nice and play fair? i try to remember other's birthdays when others find out on facebook. i vaccum when it's not my week to do so. i share my friggin food and cooking supplies. i spend hours listening to ali vent over chad and whether or not her study partner might potentially like her (he carries a friggin pocket knife and looks like a bouncer; i don't like him in our house, especially if it were to be all the time like a steady bf)

and let me just say it again; everyone disregards or hates my opinion unless it is in synce w/ theirs. ali, you asked if anyone would be PMSing this week (you bet she asked us that!) WELL. i don't know if i'm PMSing, but steer clear from me if you want your head still attached to your shoulders, i might rip it off or something. don't think i'm kidding, eh?

i don't know what to do. i can't avoid my own apartment. i can't ignore everyone or stay in my room or even tell them how i feel. like i said, no one cares enough. i feel like my feeling glaze over kortney and mary. all they think about are themselves, really. kylie is too busy babying sheridan because she's been sick and ali, bless her soul, can't think of other people's problems, she can't even let go of her own issues. psh.

i don't even know why i'm posting this. i'm not depressed or suicidal or anything. i'm just fed up. mad. angry. fizzed out. today is the straw that broke the camel's back. i don't need your sympathy, i don't need apologies, i just need someone to friggin treat me like i exist and i matter. treat me like you respect me, my feelings and MY FOOD. if you can't comply then don't talk to me, i can't waste my time on fake-os. i've got school on the brain, friends i miss from home and how i can't even get a missionary to write me. of all things.

i'm like the little mermaid from h.c. andersen's book. i can't show my pain, tell of my frustrations or tell the boy i love how much i miss him because i've agreed to have my tongue cut out and every step to hurt like a thousand knives....