list-o-rama!

here's a list of my favorite quotes that i've found in random places on the web, movies, tv shows, even my friends. :]

"He who laughs last didn't get it." Helen Giangregorio

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." Jack Handley

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other." Jack Handley

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button." Sam Levenson

An optimist laughs to forget. A pessimist forgets to laugh.

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." Winston Churchill

The best thing someone can have up their sleeve is a funny bone. Unknown

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it." Jack Handley

Always tell the truth-- it's the easiest to remember. ~David Mamet

Guys are like slinkies; it's fun to see them fall down the stairs ~unknown

"Holding a grudge is like drinking poison, and then waiting for the other person to die." Unknown

"We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors... but they all have to learn to live in the same box." Unknown

"If you feel far away from God, who moved?" Unknown

"There's something about your head that makes people want to hit it."

"Winners never quit and quitters never win."

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Disclaimer: I'm not as smart as I think I am.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pull a hamstring.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

I didn't say it was your fault.

I said I was going to blame you.

I can only please one person per day, and I choose ME.

Chaos, panic & disorder.... my work here is done.

I took a pain pill. Why are you still here?

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Reality is for people who lack imagination.

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. YOU CHOOSE!

HI. I don't remember your name either.

Everyone laughs in the same language

A life? Cool! Where can I download one of those?

The best way to destroy an enemy is to change him into a friend

A smile is a curved line which sets everything straight

"He was a true friend, he stabbed me in the front." Unknown

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." Unknown

"It was not a laugh but merely a loud smile." Unknown

"Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell." Anonymous

Your funny, but looks aren't everything

Music is like candy, you have to throw away the rappers

I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works

God created man first, because you always make a rough draft before a masterpiece.

Smoking can really kill a person, you should try it sometime.

You are a few fries short of a happy meal

I've seen people been hit with an ugly stick before, but MAN, you must've been BEATEN with it!

I'm not smiling at you, I'm trying hard not to laugh

I don't know what your problem is, but I'm sure it's hard to pronounce

Anatidaephobia: the fear the somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.

3 out of 2 people don't understand fractions.

I ran into my ex the other day, then I hit reverse and ran into him again

A woman is like a tea bag: you never know how strong she is until she's in hot water

Guys are like trees: it takes 50 years to GROW UP!

What makes you different makes you beautiful

One day my prince will come; mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions

Some say the glass is ½ full, some say ½ empty, but the real question is: who keeps drinking my root beer?

Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we?

Life is like a book waiting to be written

Why do some people try to fit in when they were meant to stand out of the crowd?

Warning: I have an ATTITUDE and I know how to use it!!

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned

Duck Tape is like the Force: It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the world together…

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?

good friends are the ones who pick you up when you fall...best friends laugh because they’re the ones that tripped you

If the shoe fits....Buy One In Every Color!!

boys will be boys but someday girls will become women

IF U DONT LIKE HOW I DRIVE........STAY OFF THE SIDEWALKS!

Fight fire with water

When someone is annoying you it only take 42 muscles to frown....but it only takes 4 muscles to slap the jerk upside the head

When French people cuss, do they say "Pardon my English"?

Enemies stab you in the back, friends stab you in the front, but best friends poke you with straws!

Never exaggerate your faults. Your friends will attend to that.

I'm not crazy just ask my camel Steven

heywhatsthelongbuttonatthebottomofmykeyboardfor?

Tell someone there are 5 billion stars in the sky and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he just HAS to touch it.

"I hate it when you ruin my life!" (me!)

What you will be you are now becoming

You're about as PUNK as my grandma!

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny. - Buster Keaton

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. Anonymous

The absentminded professor poured syrup on his crossword puzzle and went crazy solving his waffle.

Novel bumper sticker, using only Braille writing reads, “If you can read this, you are up too close.”

Joseph asked the innkeeper for lodging, but was told, “Rooms? You must be kidding! It’s Christmas Eve!”

pink plastic flamingos now outnumber real, live flamingos seven hundred to one.

Philosophers who believe change is inevitable have seldom had to deal with vending machines

Stealing ideas from one person is called plagiarism. Stealing from many is known as research. :]

Given that death and taxes are certain, we should be extremely grateful that only one is an annual event!

God loves you and I'm still trying

Amazingly enough, I don't give a crap!

"IT IS BETTER TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND LET PEOPLE BELIEVE YOU ARE A FOOL THAN OPEN IT AND REMOVE ALL DOUBT... MARK TWAIN"

Things to do today:
Wake up
Survive
Go back to bed

I don’t skinny dip, I chunky dunk

A cat will blink when struck w/ a hammer.

Paddle faster I hear banjos

I’m what Willis was talking about

I put the bad in badminton

I’m only wearing this because my pirate clothes are in the wash.

*DON'T LOOK AT ME, I'M BLIND! (by me!)

*"do you fear death?"

*"workin' hard or hardly workin, eh Mac?" (Shrek 2)

*just about ANY color is MY favorite color, including sparkly.

*"yeah, on FREE BALLOON DAY!" (Spongebob)

*"why was i a fool in school for cutting gym?" (Mulan)

*"if the BOOT-T fits!" (Toy Story 2)

*"i PITY the foo!"(...Mr. T)

*"you shall have your reward...your ETERNAL reward!" (ALADDIN!)

*grape soda gives me special powers.

*"I'M INVINCIBLE!!" (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

*"just rememeber: beee yourself!" (Aladdin)

*"i've seen your kind before, but i had to pay admission."

*"can't you see you've insulting the FREAKS?" (MADAGASCAR)

*"the waterhole? what's so great about the waterhole?" (Lion King)

*"go lick a screen door."

*"what's it do-nibble your bum?"(Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

*"once upon a time there was a ugly barnacle. he was SO ugly that everyone died. the end." "that didn't help at all!" (spongebob)

*"are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?"(Monty Python)

*"your FACE is an optical illusion!" (me again!)

so there you have it. sadly enough, i know way more quotes than that! if you have any other cool quotes, comment me and let me know. :D